Coming Out (dating correspondence)

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[I asked my correspondent for permission before posting this. This was one of mine. See if you can suss out ways this is relevant to my blogging project and future posts.]

I’m not *totally* happy with that [drop-down choice], “heteroflexible?” I’m glad it’s there, but it feels a *little* bit like a slur? (To me. Other people might experience very different connotations, and that’s totally fine.) I would prefer [to display on my profile] something like “mostly-but-not-entirely straight.”

I guess nobody needs science to validate their orientation, but I thought it was neat when a study found that there really does seem to be a distinct statistical population [of behaviors and sequelae] of “mostly straight” people, distinct from people who identify as [straight or] bisexual. Of course, “bisexual” can encompass lots of non-cookie-cutter, personal experiences. I put “bisexual” before, on OkCupid. On FetLife, I sometimes put “queer.” Neither quite fit me, from the inside. Because I have so much gender/orientation privilege, it seems like a silly thing to keep thinking and feeling into, but it’s still important to me.

I see you put “cis” in your profile. I wish there was an official option for that! I would like to add that for myself somewhere, too. [My mistake, that option is in fact available.]


I’ve read Whipping Girl. It’s been a while; so the details are fuzzy, but I really enjoyed it. I’ve lightly dipped into some of the emotionally charged stuff, like the Blanchard/Bailey stuff, e.g. autogynephilia? I find prenatal endocrinology and gender [and orientation] absolutely fascinating. I’m still sorting out how to relate to all of it: Like, I 100% support people transitioning, and, all things being equal, I would totally date someone who’s trans. On the other(?) hand, I’m sympathetic to trying to make sense of it all through science, and I hope that it can all be reconciled harmoniously and ethically with people’s lived experiences.

Regarding people’s lived experiences(!!!) versus(?) science(?!), I feel like I’m not allowed to weigh in, per se, because of my massive cis dude privilege. And I should in some sense listen way more than I talk about all this stuff, because I’m not *living* it. Still, I *don’t* experience myself as completely male, like I’m maybe 85% boy and 15% girl, or something. And then I wonder if a lot of “normative” guys feel just like me. And so on. It’s sort of personally highly relevant to me, too, from the inside.


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