consulting first reply

[New? Start here: https://meditationstuff.wordpress.com/articles/]

[I offer consulting. Client code-named X3N721 and I have made a deal where 100% of our interaction, from this point forward, will be via textual medium and posted to this blog. This has benefits and drawbacks for X3N721 and hopefully benefits for readers of this blog. Each update within 1-2 weeks. X3N721 replies below.]

Stream of consciousness back:

One question: Why am I requesting your services? I move fast, and I’m afraid. I keep changing and iterating over myself. I like this, I want to explore the possibilities contained within being human. But I’m afraid.

I recognize that the best way of exploring, of changing and being observant of that change is to do something that stretches you wildly above what it is that you can do now.

I want to stretch myself but I fear what that can do to me. I don’t want to destroy myself. I have been known for pushing too hard. This is why I’m contacting you, this is why I’m starting therapy: I’m pushing myself way further than what I think I can go – and I’m afraid that without guidance and regular internal clean up work I’ll end up killing myself.

So what is it that I’m doing? I wanna do a startup. This is way beyond me, my brain breaks down after 5 daily hours of focused work, and is useless after those. I’ve been told to expect to work 80 hours a week. I have no idea how I will survive that.

That is one issue. Then there is more. 

I have been doing open relationships after a history of serial monogamy. This brings me a new level of problems: I want to be fully honest, and people lie. They say they are ok with an open relationship – they’re not. More than that I want to share everything, so if I’m hurt because of something some partner A said, I want to be able to share it with partner B without causing them suffering. I can’t see myself as an agent of suffering. But I want to be fully honest with my partners. And I have no idea of how to negotiate this interaction. 

And it doesn’t even matter as I had a solution: there is one partner I like especially – love even -, and I was tired of dealing with the problems open relationships bring. After one year at it, and a bunch of self exploration, I felt ready to try monogamy again. It then feels especially shitty that the partner I love has just ended things because they have found someone else. 

Which is fine, I want her, but I have learned enough adaptive regulation strategies that I am broken but not useless, I’m functional. And it’s fine because it’s the price I’m paying for wanting to do open relationships – sometimes people will want to do away with them. And now I have the opposing drives: the one that gets her back and the one that says FUCK NO YOU CANT DO THAT BECAUSE IF YOU TRY IT AND IT DOESNT WORK AND YOU ARE PROPERLY REJECTED THEN YOU ARE A HUMAN AND NOT A GOD YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL AND YOU WILL DIE. And it’s insane – of course I’m not a god and I will die – and yet makes perfect sense. 

So where do I move to now? The path is unclear, rallying support before actually stretching myself completely feels correct, but where to actually go to feels not even fuzzy, but unseeable. 

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